denial

i thanked you. for your friendship. for your loyalty. your laughter. your patience. i left things unsaid. you did too. it’s better that way. for everyone. for you. me. them. i forgot about it. pushed it out of my psyche. resumed life. did we get over it? did i? did you? or are the feelings suppressed? buried underneath song lyrics, basketball scores, and viral videos. i can’t find it. or maybe, i just don’t want to. maybe we’re both lying to ourselves. to each other. to the world. if we keep denying, maybe it’ll just fade. maybe.

sharing is caring

i was taught at a young age to share. i guess having a sibling will do that to you. but it’s carried over. now more than ever. i live for it. i revel in it. i embrace it. as a creative, it’s my way of showing you something. giving you something. leaving you with something to remember. the way i see it, why keep this stuff to myself? why make things / write words / crack a joke / etc and just keep it only for me? what’s the point? really?

don’t wake me

the movies i’ve lived in my mind could easily charm the academy. the sounds i’ve imagined could sweep the grammys. genre-breaking, scene-stealing, stereotype-shattering, earth-quenching, heart-wrenching pieces of a dream. dreams that never cease. never heeding to the pause button or for the onslaught of sleep. dreams that can’t stop to worry about opinions, expectations, barriers. the dreams are the blueprint. volumes one through twenty-one sit comfortably on a lemon-scented wooden shelf revealing pages of memories of bliss, struggle, heartbreak, questions, pain, laughter, and the sweetness of freedom. the freedom to dream. to chase. to seek. the freedom to be. of the moment. in the moment. without ever having to truly wake up.

weightlifting

felt good to finish that last rep. i walked away from the mirror without that heaviness on my chest. for once. i don’t know why it took me so long. maybe i just had to see it for myself. again. in person. it was a room full of people. some who i knew. some, just faces. but you. you know me. or. you did. and i thought i knew you too. but you ignored me. even though i was sitting there, in the mirror, sweat pouring as i tried to push this weight off my chest. the weight you added for me to carry. with no remorse. no sense of concern for my ability to carry it or not. your eyes cut to the other faces in the room. you embraced them. laughed with them. spoke to them. as the sun casted its falling rays through the window, i paused. eyes began to close. arms extended. i sat the weight back on its bar and stood on my own two feet. as i wiped down the equipment, i felt your gaze on my back. i heard your wonders. your questions. your confusion as you saw me walk away. out of the old gym, full of faulty treadmills and seatless bikes, and into anew.

be

what does it mean to be? by being, i don’t mean just living, breathing, hearing, seeing. but to be. be in the moment. in silence. in darkness. in light. being present in the face of a win. of a loss. knowing when to speak loudly and when to just shut up. how do you be? how do i be? how do we? there’s no script. no pattern. no blueprint for this. it can’t be forced, learned, or planned. we are beings by nature. more than what appears on the outside. our being thrives on the internal. but often gets blocked by the opinionated, the naysayers, the stereotypes, the assumptions. just be you. that reflection you see, beyond the mirror. study it. that feeling inside that knows the truth before you do. listen to it. no hiding. no excuses. no lies. just you. all of you. and be you. all of you.

something

i just got distracted

you walked in like some kind of… something

like your last name was pitt… or, something

you didn’t notice me

but i watched you as you ordered something

then looked down at your phone, typing something

they called your name

sounded like da-… something

then you caught me, pretending to read something

i looked up again

you said something

something sweet

something funny

and that something

became something…

else

makeover

before the sun rises, she preps her canvas. washing away the stain of last night’s dreams and the fear of the hours ahead. she paints with ease, with finesse. careful with each line, each stroke. creating a reality that she struggles to fit. one with a bright, infallible pout for sixteen hours, accenting an uncomfortable, desired outer shell. she is an actress, delivering oscar caliber performances with each fraudulent emotion. each painted on smile. each exaggerated brow. as the seventeenth hour tolls, the shell is cracked in one swipe. for those next few hours, she’s no longer the star. barefaced with no script, she’s left to face the life she’s left unwritten.

legal tender

doesn’t feel different yet. maybe when i buy that wine. and that cheese. and those crackers. maybe then, i’ll feel it. but, then again, that just sounds like a boring party.

undergrad

here it is,

the first day

of the last one

the last semester

the home stretch

so close

yet,

so unsure

what’s next?

no clue

for now,

focus

pass

excel

rejoice

five steps

kissed

missed

dissed

pissed

bliss

survival

everything’s a competition. a contest. a battle. everyone’s trying to be the best. look the best. have the best. we’re all at war for the same jobs. vying for the attention of the same suitors. yearning to be accepted by the same crowd. is this what it is? is this all it is? maybe that’s why i don’t like taking the traditional route. i don’t friend request or tweet or instagram my way up the ranks of social network hierarchy. i’m not in this thing for “likes” or “retweets”. i do what makes me happy. what makes me want to push for more. not for you. or them. for me. and when it’s all over, i hope to say that it was well worth it. that i didn’t have to lower my standards or abandon my beliefs just to get what i wanted. i didn’t have to wear a push-up bra or show a little extra leg. or swing my hair a bit more or bat my eyelashes. i didn’t have to bad mouth a peer. or swindle an opponent. i want to say i played the game fair. with respect. for myself. the only competition i see.

eye exam

as time goes on. i see things. things i never noticed. or overlooked. overthought. what looked rosy years ago looks comical now. what looked beautiful then is tainted now. the prescription in my lenses is now full of reality. didn’t know lenscrafters carried that.

driving school

i’m sitting still yet doing 80. listening to music. singing and dancing. pausing to monitor the hum of the engine. the wind against the german designed frame. on my journey today, i realized that driving is a lot like life. for the first few years, you get driven around by adults and strangers. guiding you through life, helping you find your way. you pick up skills. learn the routes. the backways. the side streets. and much like life, you are faced with tests. you may fail in the beginning but you try again. then finally, you get your own set of wheels. armed with enough guidance to find your way and enough freedom to get lost. some days you get to where you need to go. other days, you drive aimlessly. wander. seek. find. stumble upon hidden parks. unknown bakeries. lush open fields. cookie cutter neighborhoods. drive around. explore. do that as often as you can. or… as often as your gasoline budget allows.

report card

a part of me misses that feeling. that excitement. that sense of nervousness. the rest of me doesn’t. not you. not that feeling. not the nerves. not the stupidity. but, without that, i wouldn’t know what else could be. i’m just glad i made it out. no ties. no strings. nothing binding us together for life. lesson learned. class dismissed.

broken rings

never seen one last. a good one at least. the ones that are still around, are masked and marred by deceit. by silent heartbreak. unspoken pain. hope remains though. for me. and mine. i’ll write my vows in pen and speak them into forever. i’ll live them. repeat them like the lyrics to my favorite song. i’ll uphold them. honor them. and treat the union with the respect it deserves. it’ll be worth it. it will be worth it.